In The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy, Vicki Iovine writes, “Pregnancy brings a man and a woman closer together (Yeah, you and your obstetrician!)” Despite the irony and humor in this statement, the truth is that pregnancy barely scratches the surface of relational challenges that can occur during the sleep-deprived newborn phase. Having a baby can bring out the best and the worst in a marriage or partnership. Time use surveys show that new parents have about one-third of the alone time they had before having children, and a recent survey of over 7,000 mothers revealed that 46% of participants thought their spouse/partner caused them more stress than their children.7 My husband and I, too, thought that having a baby would bring us closer together, and it did…at first. Then life happened.
- The best advice that I received after the birth of our first child was to put my marriage first. I had postpartum issues and my husband traveled, and we were living in NYC with no family. I obsessed over caring for our baby, and by the time I went back to work, I had nothing to give to my husband at the end of the day. Not fueling our marriage turned into a big problem.
- Remember that your marriage, not your child, is the bedrock of your family. A baby cannot be placed in that position or the family will crumble.
- Think of your family like a pyramid. You and your spouse are at the top, and everything else flows down to your children (love, how you treat one another, communication style, etc.)
- Want to know what happens when you put your kids before your marriage? Mom and Dad get stressed out and become disconnected, which is miserable, and your kids get more demanding and entitled to your attention, which is also miserable.
- Lack of sleep was merely one issue my wife and I had after our first baby. The bigger ones included postpartum depression, breastfeeding challenges, fighting over chores, and just general conflict about how we should raise our child.
- My husband and I had lots of conflict caring for our baby together. I had read a library of books about babies, and he read nothing (but thought he knew everything). Our baby had colic and reflux and formula sensitivities. That period of our life was not much fun. If I had to do it over again, I would change how my husband and I communicated.
- Expect colic, or your baby crying, to make interactions strained with your husband, as you both try to solve the problem. When this scenario arises, try your best to work together.
- Nobody is immune from marital conflict after baby. Expect some type of relational stress, especially when you are ridiculously tired.
- If you both work full time, sit down and write out a list of household chores with your husband. Otherwise, you will be doing everything and then wondering why your husband can’t read your mind.
- The transition from zero to one child is much harder than one to two children.
- Have an honest discussion about the spiritual direction of your family. If you and your spouse do not share religious beliefs, if one is religious and the other is not, or if you were raised with different religious backgrounds, the subject will come up once you have children, especially if one of you wants the child to be christened.
- Don’t expect your husband to suddenly become a ‘details guy’ just because you had a baby and need help.
- Men are not multitaskers. Having a baby will drive this point home.
- Know that no one person has a monopoly on good ideas for your baby, including Mom. Everyone’s input should be valued, although input from parents should come first.
- For Mom: Having the ability to breastfeed does not automatically designate you as the better parent. Take a step back and let Dad care for the baby. He doesn’t have to pack the perfect diaper bag. He simply needs space to be a good father.
- For Dad: Take a step forward. Take off your shirt and enjoy skin-to-skin contact. Talk to baby, sing to baby, read to baby, and play on the floor. He or she knows your voice and will be comforted by your presence.
- If you want men to do more chores around the house, sex is your golden key to clean floors.
- The sex argument after baby is tough. I gave my wife plenty of space to heal after her C-section, but then months passed, and we were still not having sex. Maybe it’s by design that a woman’s body isn’t ready for another child, but months without sex stinks for a new dad.
- Connecting with your partner after baby does not have to mean ‘date night.’ You can just hang out and enjoy being a family together.
- When we get home each day, we share a highlight and a lowlight to keep our communication lines open. These comments have to be specific and in the moment. You can’t just say ‘My day sucked.’ You have to elaborate on something interesting and precise so that your spouse doesn’t tune out repetitive comments or complaints.
- Designate a “no screens night,” leaving you little option other than to spend time with your partner.
- Create a routine that includes “together time” after baby goes to bed, even if it is simply snuggling on the couch and watching a favorite TV show together.
- Try to say “I love you” every night before turning off the lights. These little words can help ease the stresses and trials of the day.
Division of Household Chores
There is nothing wrong with a traditional division of labor, and no one can plan and divide every task that comes up. However, with 70% of mothers (with children under age 18) working or looking for work, the division of labor at home must be thoughtfully considered.8 In assigning tasks, you might want to try this approach: “Whoever cares more about this item wins.” If one partner has more time and one cares more about the process, establish mutually agreed-upon guidelines. The following items might be included in a list of household chores:
- Laundry
- Ironing
- Vacuuming
- Dusting
- Straightening up the living areas
- Cleaning the living and dining rooms
- Cleaning the bathrooms
- Cleaning the bedrooms
- Preparing dinner (establish rules, such as “the cook doesn’t clean” and vice versa)
- Cleaning the kitchen
- Doing the dishes
- Emptying wastebaskets
- Taking the trash and recycling to the curb, if required
- Mowing the lawn
- Grocery shopping
- Dropping off and picking up dry-cleaning
- Short term finances: Paying the bills
- Long term finances: Managing investments and retirement, taxes (collecting receipts)
- Sick-child duty and back-up care options
- Management of care providers
- Sending cards and gifts to family members
- Photo taking and organization
- Travel planning