During pregnancy I was inundated with stories about the joys of motherhood, and they were mostly true. However, no one told me that I would be so lonely.
Think about these contributors to loneliness and check all that may apply:
- You have just moved to a new town or a new neighborhood.
- Your spouse or partner works long hours, travels for work, or deploys for long periods of time in the military.
- Your family lives far away.
- You are a single mom.
- Your friendships have changed now that baby is here.
- Your friends without kids visited you in the first few weeks. However, now it is hard to find time to get together.
- Your best friend is still single, or struggling with infertility, and now she is struggling to be your closest friend.
- Intimacy with your spouse is different, and you are not really in the mood for sex.
- Your spouse is still acting like a child, even though he now has a child.
- You are feeling let down by life as a stay-at-home mom.
- You are on maternity leave for the first time, and you crave adult interaction.
- Your boss and team at work are treating you like you are a million miles away, and your reputation has been diminished just for having a child.
- You just had twins or multiples, and the care routine is never ending. Getting out of the house is not worth the hassle.
- Your baby was born prematurely, and you can’t take her out and expose her to germs for two to three months.
- You tend to avoid people when you don’t feel good about yourself due to weight gain and other insecurities.
- You feel ashamed that you are depressed and lonely, and you are not in the mood to be around others.
Whatever your circumstances, introversion, introspection, and even periods of loneliness are okay. However, there are ways to get ashore from your island. For some, going back to work may be the best outlet for reestablishing community. For work-from-home moms or stay-at-home moms, coping with the social isolation of motherhood can be a more arduous journey, requiring you to put yourself out there in order to connect with others.
Connecting with others
This applies to dads, too
- Get out of the house at least once per day.
- Get up, get dressed, and put on makeup in the morning. You will feel more like getting out if you are prepared to do so.
- Establish a weekly schedule and assign chores to a specific day, such as laundry on Monday, story time on Tuesday, play group on Wednesday, bathrooms on Thursday, and errands on Friday.
- Try a child care swap with another parent. Set up a regular schedule (i.e., you can watch Jake for four hours on Wednesdays, and I will watch Sarah at the same time on Thursdays.)
- Find an hourly day care center for days when you need to get things done without interruption.
- If you have a sitter or nanny while you work from home, use a small portion of that time to socialize and address your personal needs, if possible. Have coffee with a friend or invite a friend to work out. It just might add more to your productivity later.
- Join a postpartum support group at your local hospital or community center.
- Join a local play group. Search “mom group Boston” or “play group San Francisco” to find active groups nearby. Meetup.com and TheBump.com can direct you to smaller groups within your area.
- Join a local listserv, or web-based parenting
community. Here are some of the larger listserv parent groups across the
country. Search your local address for smaller groups.
- San Francisco: Golden Gate Mother’s Group, Parents’ Club of Palo Alto and Menlo Park (PAMP)
- Los Angeles: Peachhead
- San Diego: San Diego Parent
- Seattle: Madrona Moms, Green Lake Moms, NE Seattle Moms
- Portland, OR: Urban Mamas
- Colorado: Colorado Moms
- Oklahoma City: Oklahoma City Moms
- Washington DC: DC Urban Moms and Dads
- Washington DC/NoVA suburbs: Mothers of North Arlington, DullesMoms
- Philadelphia: Main Line Parent, Philly Parents’ Circle
- Boston: Garden Moms (Big Tent), Boston Mamas, The Moms Club of South Boston, Somerville Moms
- Brooklyn, NY: Bococa Parents
- Park Slope and Brooklyn, NY: Park Slope Parents
- Lower Manhattan, NYC: Hudson River Park Mothers Group
- Lower East Side, Soho, Chinatown, and downtown, NYC: Bowery Babes
- Chicago: Chicago Neighborhood Parent’s Network
- Miami: Moms Miami
- Dallas/Ft Worth: Dallas/Ft Worth Moms
- Austin: Austin Mamas
- If you are a fitness fan, try a new exercise class or invite a friend for a stroller walk.
- Visit a local gym or YMCA that offers child care.
- For group weight loss, join Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig.
- For those exploring faith or looking to connect with their cultural group, consider joining a Bible study with child care, Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group, Mom to Mom group, Jewish moms group, Catholic moms group, Desi moms group, Mocha moms group, Chinese network for moms, etc.
- Try a community center’s or church’s parent’s day out (PDO) program for a break.
- Go to your local library for story time.
- Sign up for a Gymboree or Mommy and Me-type movement and music class.
- Start a project during naptime and share it with others: put together a scrapbook of your travels, construct a photo album of your baby, or start a blog.
- Look online for part time work at flexjobs.com or momcorps.com. Contact a non-profit or small start-up to see if you can help part-time, especially if you do not require healthcare coverage and other costly benefits.
- Start your own home business, sell your crafts on Etsy, and be proud of your work. Don’t let anyone belittle you as any type of mom (i.e., a Pinterest mom, competitive crafter, etc).
- Start selling a product that you like, such as jewelry, makeup, skincare, children’s products, etc.
- Consider taking a night or online class if loved ones can support it.
- Set aside quality time each day to spend with your child, and you will feel better about your sacrifices.